Its only 11am

And im already tired, i got up at 8, fixed Masters lunch and breakfast, the dogs food, my breakfast and coffee, took my meds then sat down for a bit while Master sat in his chair and listened to a book. I enjoy listening to the books with him. Then it came time for him to leave for work.

I then continued to get dishes done, pick up the house some take the dogs on about a half mile walk. After that i gathered the trash and ran it out and now im settling in to watch or well play some netflix to listen to while i work on my crochet. Im working on a simple hat to wear when i run. Im hoping in time to find a weight bench to my work out but thats going to take some time and money unless i find one free on craigslist or something like that.

Last night was nice, i used a thing on his feet to get the callouses off then put lotion on them. It felt nice to sit at his feet. In the past it was always only dont if asked to and now its not so much that way and im having a hard time getting used to it but im working on it. Ive also been writing more but i think its the writing bringing out the nightmares. Last night i dreamed that i shot someone, of course it was only because he was shooting at me but i killed him, i woke up talking about bullets, even Master heard me. Im going to let my shrink know that the new med isnt helping w ith the dreams and i want back on what i know works. I know she will work with me as she gave me a choice but im also trying to get my body as healthy as i can so that i can go off as many of my meds as possible as i want a baby and i know some of my meds i cant be on if im pregnant.

Page 8 topic 2 7/4/15

Page 8 topic 2

7/4/15

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an owner.

It is peaceful, My heart mind body and soul are soaring with happiness.  Not only had I doubted for so long that id ever find a Master again but I also doubted id ever love like this again but its happened and giving myself over has been THE best thing I could have ever done. If I have any regrets its that it didn’t happen sooner but that’s okay as well as it gave us a few years to get to know each other on a level that had we been in a relationship I don’t know if we would know so much about each other. 

I love that Matt isn’t passive aggressive or manipulative. He does ask things of me rather than blatantly order me and I appreciate that. Im treated as a human not an object even though I am property. And I do prefer quiet obedience where I know what to do and when and how. Ive worked on a set schedule for me and i like that. I like having a set schedule where I know what to do when, otherwise im like a fish out of water flailing around. I like just going around and doing my own thing knowing its whats supposed to be done and not having to be reminded. As ive stressed before my role is to make life as easy for Master as possible. Ultimately he shouldn’t have to life a finger for a thing unless he wants to and

I love it when life is that way for me, I enjoy serving, knowing im useful and productive and helping others succeed in their life and I feel that by the things I do I contribute to that.

Page 8 topic 2 7/4/15

Page 8 topic 2

7/4/15

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an owner.

It is peaceful, My heart mind body and soul are soaring with happiness.  Not only had I doubted for so long that id ever find a Master again but I also doubted id ever love like this again but its happened and giving myself over has been THE best thing I could have ever done. If I have any regrets its that it didn’t happen sooner but that’s okay as well as it gave us a few years to get to know each other on a level that had we been in a relationship I don’t know if we would know so much about each other. 

I love that Matt isn’t passive aggressive or manipulative. He does ask things of me rather than blatantly order me and I appreciate that. Im treated as a human not an object even though I am property. And I do prefer quiet obedience where I know what to do and when and how. Ive worked on a set schedule for me and i like that. I like having a set schedule where I know what to do when, otherwise im like a fish out of water flailing around. I like just going around and doing my own thing knowing its whats supposed to be done and not having to be reminded. As ive stressed before my role is to make life as easy for Master as possible. Ultimately he shouldn’t have to life a finger for a thing unless he wants to and

I love it when life is that way for me, I enjoy serving, knowing im useful and productive and helping others succeed in their life and I feel that by the things I do I contribute to that.

Page 8 topic 1

Page 8 topic 1

Many people make the mistake of assuming that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences, either good or bad, that occur as a result of consensual activities.

Hahaha is my first reaction to this. I may give up control but I gain responsibility. Responsibility of making sure my Master is taken care of, the house is taken care of, the pets needs met. I take it as its my responsibility to make sure that His life is made as easy as possible in as many areas as I can.

Im not sure where I fit as far as alpha slave or what in the family simply because we haven’t had that talk yet but I feel its that way and in a way its giving me a confidence boost and making some things easier mentally for me. Maybe im thinking it all wrong or even over thinking it..not sure, guess time will tell…

I know speaking up about things is one of my greatest issues at this point and ive been working hard on it, im not perfect on it yet and may never be but at east im working on it, after all no one can be responsible for things if no one knows about whats going on

I also think I took this topic wrong…as it does say about it being the result of consensual activities…well yeah, in a way I would share the responsibility, I mean say we were playing and I was triggered(which as well as Matt knows me and as much as ive told him I doubt that would happen) but if I didn’t say anything about the trigger and instead started acting out, throwing fits or getting angry of course it would be my fault for it…it would mean a break down of communication. But while we are on this subject I might as well list some my triggers.

1.       70s rock like Hendrix, zeplin, Janis Joplin, even CCR can set me off and the HUGE one is Iron butterfly.

2.       The word tits, or titties or any other form of that word.

3.       I don’t have the littles side to me like I thought but I have a hard time with being told to call someone daddy, its understandable why but I figure I might as well put it anyway.

4.       Too raised of voices, I do enjoy a stern tone letting me know that things will go as He wishes, I actually take comfort in that kind of tone.

5.       Name calling, some names are okay such as slut, slave meat, obviously just slave I love, but I cant stand the names bitch, cunt, cow or pig, those set me off in a bad way.

Giving up control means taking on what responsibilities that Master has set out for me and im good, no im great with that. We a know I need structure, rules and schedules to function at my best…

Journal entry for 7/6/15 12:16 am

Journal entry for 7/6/15

12:16 am

This weekend brought on many thoughts, feelings and emotions. Ill be honest at first that I wasn’t sure that it would work with a 3^rd girl but once I got to know becca better the more I liked her and the more I feel she is going to make a great addition to our family. This is my first experience as poly and ive always said I wasn’t cut out for poly but when I sit back and look at it it does have its perks such as more to people to contribute to the house and im not meaning monetarily, im meaning as far as support within the house and to each other and having people who care about each other and be there for the good and bad times.

Of course I AM going to start selling my crochet. I have a schedule worked out for me that allows me time each day to work on my crochet to sell, along as with my writing. I plan on making something of myself, of course in a way I feel like I already have as im a slave and I LOVE being a slave, there is nothing else in this world id rather be.

Oh and kind of something I brought up before but my gyno check up came back good which is good news and ill soon be having my mammogram and if it checks out fine I still, if its okay with you want to have a baby. Matt, I cant think of anyone that would make a better father, and I know I wouldn’t be alone, the child would grow up in a family made of love, and people who want to be there, not just are there because of blood relation. I was just such a fuck up with my own kids and I want another chance, plus im older now and have more of a maternal instinct than I did back then. Soo, ill call tomorrow and schedule the boob squishing and we can go from there but please let me know what you think.

Also tonight it took a lot for me to ask you if I could come upstairs and have some cuddle time with you, Ive NEVER done that with anyone. I always put my needs last but tonight I just needed the physical contact. I thrive on physical contact and when I go without it I tend to start becoming withdrawn and even ..;.not resentful but I guess cranky because I don’t know how to ask for what I need.  But im working on that and tonight was proof of me working on that. Not to being up the past but there was a rule where if I wasn’t busy doing house chores or something along those lines I was to be touching him, even if it was a hand on his leg…and I became to depend on that and crave it. Something else I want to do but don’t want to over step any boundaries is sitting at your feet when we have down time here at home. Ive purposely been sitting on the floor more as I don’t feel a slave should be allowed on the furniture but thats just me…I may make either a pillow, or crochet a thick matt for doing so if its okahy with you. My only concern is that while im not sure how I fit as far as the alpha slave o what but I don’t want to step on anyones toes by doing any of this…that’s the only confusing part for me is making sure everyone gets their fair share of time and things like that. Just let me know what you think Please.

Oh and I know you aren’t one for titles but I do like using the word Sir at times, is that okay with you? I feel like im asking 20 questions but if I don’t ask I wont know…

Oh and I did talk ti kitten about me being attracted to her tonight and she is okay with it. I confided that im afraid that if it doesn’t work out and its just not for me that it would ruin our friend ship but she assured me it wouldn’t and she understands ive never tried anything like  this before or even been attracted to a girl before so that makes it easier on me..oh and she is going to totally pierce my nipples again for me…I cant wait, maybe she will do it tonight…all depends on how tired we get I think. 

Guidepost 1, Determination

Guidepost #1

Determination

Determination can often turn a failure into a success. There are many ways to accomplish the same goal. If one way doesn’t work, try another until you find one that does.

Determination can be hard to have at times. Im now in a situation I didn’t think I would ever be in. I didn’t think I would ever be owned again but I am. I don’t know if determination plays any part in it but I know that time, patience and okay maybe determination played a role in it…After all since I met Matt I wanted to be his but didn’t know how to ever express it. We even had a conversation once that if we were together like that we would kill each other. Now I wonder if we were both thinking otherwise but didn’t want to say it

Ahh, soo back to the subject at hand, determination…I guess for me at this point im determined to be the best I can be as a slave. Ive made many mistakes over the years and have learned from them but now with all of that learned I think it makes me a better slave for messing up at times. Im trying to learn that I can confront people about things but at this point for me I must know them well first and how to handle it. You cant confront everyone the same way. I used to be soo afraid of confrontation that I would completely avoid it at all costs…Now its not as bad…Not that I like it but I can handle it at least for the most part anyway.

Dealing with my PTSD is also taking determination, im honestly scared to death to even start this process but I must do it. I have even found a workbook that I can use at home and see how that goes. I have a lot to deal with as far as my mother, father and kids are concerned. I feel as if I have brought on parts of my PTSD myself by abandoning my kids so willingly…but enough on that for now.

I am determined at this point in my life to become the best I can, not only as a slave but also a writer. One of my worries and this has been an issue of mine since I stopped being able to work is that I don’t contribute enough to the household, its been that way since way back then. I think that’s why I expect such perfection out of myself but then can never reach the level of perfection that I want out of myself. Am I a hot mess or what…

10 day project

10 day project

Day 1: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Matt, I love you more than I thought I would ever love again and im grateful you are in my life.
2. Kytten, I don’t get along with most females but I love you, watching you has helped me open myself up more.
3. Becca, Im very glad ive met you and that you are part of our family, I cant wait to get to know you even more.
4. Mom, while I want to hate you I find myself missing you and seeing more of you in me everyday in the good ways such as how you cook, clean and love to care for others. I just wonder why you tried to poison me.
5. Tyler, I miss you and hope one day we can be in each others lives again
6. Madison, my baby girl, I regret leaving you like I did but it wont be forever, there will be a day when we meet again.
7. Dad, I know you tried but some of the damage you did cant be fixed…I still deal with it and the words you said are not a trigger to me.
8. Roger(my step dad) Im grateful that you gave me a place to stay when no one else would but the damage you did to me as a child I still deal with.
9. Jeff, Why, just Why did you do what you did to me, I don’t think ill ever forgive you.
10. Julie, thank you for accepting me as I am, we may believe different but that hasn’t stopped you from being friends with me and I am grateful to you for that.

Day 2: Nine things about myself.

1. I love to write
2. My dogs are a passion of mine, I love spending time with them
3. I enjoy crocheting
4. Cooking is a hobby of mine
5. I think ive grown more in the past 2 years than have in any other time in my life
6. Im very touchy feely and love physical contact
7. I can create and read blueprints
8. I love working on cars
9. I can drive a forklift.

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Be honest with me
2. Love animals as much as I do
3. Remember the little things like my favorite foods or how I like my coffee
4. Understand that at times I just need alone time(I use some of this time to think through my writing topics.
5. Random hugs/kisses for no reason
6. If I cook something and you don’t like it or think something could be added next time I make it tell me, I never take that the wrong way, I want my cooking to be as perfect as possible and like the feedback.
7. Call me out on my mistakes or things ive done wrong
8. Give me time to grow and learn new things, while im eager to learn sometimes I don’t grasp things as fast as others.

Day 4: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. My kids
2. Am I good enough
3. Did I mess something up
4. Did I forget to do something
5. Are I making my dogs happy enough
6. Are the people in my life happy
7. Do I make those in my life happy enough or is there something else I should be doing to make them happier

Day 5: Six things I wish I’d never done.

1. Left my kids
2. Had kids when I was soo young and not ready
3. Quit high school to get my GED
4. Not finished college
5. Started smoking
6. Let my weight get so out of control.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

1. Matt
2. Kytten
3. Becca
4. Julie
5. Bones & Jasper

Day 7: Four turn-offs.

1. Not liking animals
2. Being rude to others
3. Having no respect for anyone
4. drugs

Day 8: Three turn-ons.

1. Affectionate
2. Considerate
3. Having manners

Day 9: Two images that describe my life right now, and why.

1. A calm serene place that I meditate at
2. Family, an actual family where we each accept each other as they are

Day 10: One confession.

Im not a poly person but for some reason this seems to be working and im happy about it. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be happy in a situation like this