Page 8 topic 2 7/4/15

Page 8 topic 2

7/4/15

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an owner.

It is peaceful, My heart mind body and soul are soaring with happiness.  Not only had I doubted for so long that id ever find a Master again but I also doubted id ever love like this again but its happened and giving myself over has been THE best thing I could have ever done. If I have any regrets its that it didn’t happen sooner but that’s okay as well as it gave us a few years to get to know each other on a level that had we been in a relationship I don’t know if we would know so much about each other. 

I love that Matt isn’t passive aggressive or manipulative. He does ask things of me rather than blatantly order me and I appreciate that. Im treated as a human not an object even though I am property. And I do prefer quiet obedience where I know what to do and when and how. Ive worked on a set schedule for me and i like that. I like having a set schedule where I know what to do when, otherwise im like a fish out of water flailing around. I like just going around and doing my own thing knowing its whats supposed to be done and not having to be reminded. As ive stressed before my role is to make life as easy for Master as possible. Ultimately he shouldn’t have to life a finger for a thing unless he wants to and

I love it when life is that way for me, I enjoy serving, knowing im useful and productive and helping others succeed in their life and I feel that by the things I do I contribute to that.

Page 8 topic 2 7/4/15

Page 8 topic 2

7/4/15

There is a strong power that can be gained through surrender. It is not a power that comes from manipulation or passive-aggressive control over another person. Instead, it is a peaceful, internal power that fills the heart and soul of the slave who recognizes the pleasure that quiet obedience gives to an owner.

It is peaceful, My heart mind body and soul are soaring with happiness.  Not only had I doubted for so long that id ever find a Master again but I also doubted id ever love like this again but its happened and giving myself over has been THE best thing I could have ever done. If I have any regrets its that it didn’t happen sooner but that’s okay as well as it gave us a few years to get to know each other on a level that had we been in a relationship I don’t know if we would know so much about each other. 

I love that Matt isn’t passive aggressive or manipulative. He does ask things of me rather than blatantly order me and I appreciate that. Im treated as a human not an object even though I am property. And I do prefer quiet obedience where I know what to do and when and how. Ive worked on a set schedule for me and i like that. I like having a set schedule where I know what to do when, otherwise im like a fish out of water flailing around. I like just going around and doing my own thing knowing its whats supposed to be done and not having to be reminded. As ive stressed before my role is to make life as easy for Master as possible. Ultimately he shouldn’t have to life a finger for a thing unless he wants to and

I love it when life is that way for me, I enjoy serving, knowing im useful and productive and helping others succeed in their life and I feel that by the things I do I contribute to that.

Page 8 topic 1

Page 8 topic 1

Many people make the mistake of assuming that giving up control also means giving up responsibility. No matter what the situation, a slave shares equal responsibility for any consequences, either good or bad, that occur as a result of consensual activities.

Hahaha is my first reaction to this. I may give up control but I gain responsibility. Responsibility of making sure my Master is taken care of, the house is taken care of, the pets needs met. I take it as its my responsibility to make sure that His life is made as easy as possible in as many areas as I can.

Im not sure where I fit as far as alpha slave or what in the family simply because we haven’t had that talk yet but I feel its that way and in a way its giving me a confidence boost and making some things easier mentally for me. Maybe im thinking it all wrong or even over thinking it..not sure, guess time will tell…

I know speaking up about things is one of my greatest issues at this point and ive been working hard on it, im not perfect on it yet and may never be but at east im working on it, after all no one can be responsible for things if no one knows about whats going on

I also think I took this topic wrong…as it does say about it being the result of consensual activities…well yeah, in a way I would share the responsibility, I mean say we were playing and I was triggered(which as well as Matt knows me and as much as ive told him I doubt that would happen) but if I didn’t say anything about the trigger and instead started acting out, throwing fits or getting angry of course it would be my fault for it…it would mean a break down of communication. But while we are on this subject I might as well list some my triggers.

1.       70s rock like Hendrix, zeplin, Janis Joplin, even CCR can set me off and the HUGE one is Iron butterfly.

2.       The word tits, or titties or any other form of that word.

3.       I don’t have the littles side to me like I thought but I have a hard time with being told to call someone daddy, its understandable why but I figure I might as well put it anyway.

4.       Too raised of voices, I do enjoy a stern tone letting me know that things will go as He wishes, I actually take comfort in that kind of tone.

5.       Name calling, some names are okay such as slut, slave meat, obviously just slave I love, but I cant stand the names bitch, cunt, cow or pig, those set me off in a bad way.

Giving up control means taking on what responsibilities that Master has set out for me and im good, no im great with that. We a know I need structure, rules and schedules to function at my best…

Journal entry for 7/6/15 12:16 am

Journal entry for 7/6/15

12:16 am

This weekend brought on many thoughts, feelings and emotions. Ill be honest at first that I wasn’t sure that it would work with a 3^rd girl but once I got to know becca better the more I liked her and the more I feel she is going to make a great addition to our family. This is my first experience as poly and ive always said I wasn’t cut out for poly but when I sit back and look at it it does have its perks such as more to people to contribute to the house and im not meaning monetarily, im meaning as far as support within the house and to each other and having people who care about each other and be there for the good and bad times.

Of course I AM going to start selling my crochet. I have a schedule worked out for me that allows me time each day to work on my crochet to sell, along as with my writing. I plan on making something of myself, of course in a way I feel like I already have as im a slave and I LOVE being a slave, there is nothing else in this world id rather be.

Oh and kind of something I brought up before but my gyno check up came back good which is good news and ill soon be having my mammogram and if it checks out fine I still, if its okay with you want to have a baby. Matt, I cant think of anyone that would make a better father, and I know I wouldn’t be alone, the child would grow up in a family made of love, and people who want to be there, not just are there because of blood relation. I was just such a fuck up with my own kids and I want another chance, plus im older now and have more of a maternal instinct than I did back then. Soo, ill call tomorrow and schedule the boob squishing and we can go from there but please let me know what you think.

Also tonight it took a lot for me to ask you if I could come upstairs and have some cuddle time with you, Ive NEVER done that with anyone. I always put my needs last but tonight I just needed the physical contact. I thrive on physical contact and when I go without it I tend to start becoming withdrawn and even ..;.not resentful but I guess cranky because I don’t know how to ask for what I need.  But im working on that and tonight was proof of me working on that. Not to being up the past but there was a rule where if I wasn’t busy doing house chores or something along those lines I was to be touching him, even if it was a hand on his leg…and I became to depend on that and crave it. Something else I want to do but don’t want to over step any boundaries is sitting at your feet when we have down time here at home. Ive purposely been sitting on the floor more as I don’t feel a slave should be allowed on the furniture but thats just me…I may make either a pillow, or crochet a thick matt for doing so if its okahy with you. My only concern is that while im not sure how I fit as far as the alpha slave o what but I don’t want to step on anyones toes by doing any of this…that’s the only confusing part for me is making sure everyone gets their fair share of time and things like that. Just let me know what you think Please.

Oh and I know you aren’t one for titles but I do like using the word Sir at times, is that okay with you? I feel like im asking 20 questions but if I don’t ask I wont know…

Oh and I did talk ti kitten about me being attracted to her tonight and she is okay with it. I confided that im afraid that if it doesn’t work out and its just not for me that it would ruin our friend ship but she assured me it wouldn’t and she understands ive never tried anything like  this before or even been attracted to a girl before so that makes it easier on me..oh and she is going to totally pierce my nipples again for me…I cant wait, maybe she will do it tonight…all depends on how tired we get I think. 

Guidepost 1, Determination

Guidepost #1

Determination

Determination can often turn a failure into a success. There are many ways to accomplish the same goal. If one way doesn’t work, try another until you find one that does.

Determination can be hard to have at times. Im now in a situation I didn’t think I would ever be in. I didn’t think I would ever be owned again but I am. I don’t know if determination plays any part in it but I know that time, patience and okay maybe determination played a role in it…After all since I met Matt I wanted to be his but didn’t know how to ever express it. We even had a conversation once that if we were together like that we would kill each other. Now I wonder if we were both thinking otherwise but didn’t want to say it

Ahh, soo back to the subject at hand, determination…I guess for me at this point im determined to be the best I can be as a slave. Ive made many mistakes over the years and have learned from them but now with all of that learned I think it makes me a better slave for messing up at times. Im trying to learn that I can confront people about things but at this point for me I must know them well first and how to handle it. You cant confront everyone the same way. I used to be soo afraid of confrontation that I would completely avoid it at all costs…Now its not as bad…Not that I like it but I can handle it at least for the most part anyway.

Dealing with my PTSD is also taking determination, im honestly scared to death to even start this process but I must do it. I have even found a workbook that I can use at home and see how that goes. I have a lot to deal with as far as my mother, father and kids are concerned. I feel as if I have brought on parts of my PTSD myself by abandoning my kids so willingly…but enough on that for now.

I am determined at this point in my life to become the best I can, not only as a slave but also a writer. One of my worries and this has been an issue of mine since I stopped being able to work is that I don’t contribute enough to the household, its been that way since way back then. I think that’s why I expect such perfection out of myself but then can never reach the level of perfection that I want out of myself. Am I a hot mess or what…

10 day project

10 day project

Day 1: Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Matt, I love you more than I thought I would ever love again and im grateful you are in my life.
2. Kytten, I don’t get along with most females but I love you, watching you has helped me open myself up more.
3. Becca, Im very glad ive met you and that you are part of our family, I cant wait to get to know you even more.
4. Mom, while I want to hate you I find myself missing you and seeing more of you in me everyday in the good ways such as how you cook, clean and love to care for others. I just wonder why you tried to poison me.
5. Tyler, I miss you and hope one day we can be in each others lives again
6. Madison, my baby girl, I regret leaving you like I did but it wont be forever, there will be a day when we meet again.
7. Dad, I know you tried but some of the damage you did cant be fixed…I still deal with it and the words you said are not a trigger to me.
8. Roger(my step dad) Im grateful that you gave me a place to stay when no one else would but the damage you did to me as a child I still deal with.
9. Jeff, Why, just Why did you do what you did to me, I don’t think ill ever forgive you.
10. Julie, thank you for accepting me as I am, we may believe different but that hasn’t stopped you from being friends with me and I am grateful to you for that.

Day 2: Nine things about myself.

1. I love to write
2. My dogs are a passion of mine, I love spending time with them
3. I enjoy crocheting
4. Cooking is a hobby of mine
5. I think ive grown more in the past 2 years than have in any other time in my life
6. Im very touchy feely and love physical contact
7. I can create and read blueprints
8. I love working on cars
9. I can drive a forklift.

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart.

1. Be honest with me
2. Love animals as much as I do
3. Remember the little things like my favorite foods or how I like my coffee
4. Understand that at times I just need alone time(I use some of this time to think through my writing topics.
5. Random hugs/kisses for no reason
6. If I cook something and you don’t like it or think something could be added next time I make it tell me, I never take that the wrong way, I want my cooking to be as perfect as possible and like the feedback.
7. Call me out on my mistakes or things ive done wrong
8. Give me time to grow and learn new things, while im eager to learn sometimes I don’t grasp things as fast as others.

Day 4: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

1. My kids
2. Am I good enough
3. Did I mess something up
4. Did I forget to do something
5. Are I making my dogs happy enough
6. Are the people in my life happy
7. Do I make those in my life happy enough or is there something else I should be doing to make them happier

Day 5: Six things I wish I’d never done.

1. Left my kids
2. Had kids when I was soo young and not ready
3. Quit high school to get my GED
4. Not finished college
5. Started smoking
6. Let my weight get so out of control.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

1. Matt
2. Kytten
3. Becca
4. Julie
5. Bones & Jasper

Day 7: Four turn-offs.

1. Not liking animals
2. Being rude to others
3. Having no respect for anyone
4. drugs

Day 8: Three turn-ons.

1. Affectionate
2. Considerate
3. Having manners

Day 9: Two images that describe my life right now, and why.

1. A calm serene place that I meditate at
2. Family, an actual family where we each accept each other as they are

Day 10: One confession.

Im not a poly person but for some reason this seems to be working and im happy about it. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be happy in a situation like this

Huge news

 Actually lots of news in a way. for one our family has grown and i couldnt be happier about it, it seems as if we are all going to get along very well. I do keep coming up with questions but im finally at the point to where im comfortable enough to ask Master things. I guess thats what happens when you are friends first for nearly 3 years.  I just really think that us doing things that way has made us stronger together.

I bought the book Alice in Wonderland the other day so i can read to to kytten before bedtime now as she enjoys that and i had no idea about that til i seen her mention it on fetlife. I may not be perfect at reading to others but im sure going to give it one hell of a try. whats interesting about kytten and i is that we actually played together a few days ago. Ive always been straight, strictly straight but there is something about her that im really attracted to and i gave in to it. I dont know if this makes me bi-curious now or bi but whatever i am im good with it and Master is okay with it as well or i would have never even considered giving into my feelings.

One of what i feel was my biggest flaw in the past was that i would come up with ideas i likes or wanted to do and he would okay it then we would never follow through with it. Even if it takes punishment i want for things to be followed through with if i say im going to do something. I have a huge habit of starting projects and never finishing them...i want that to end but im going to need help with that to happen i know for a fact i cant fo it alone, thats why i bought 2 little notebooks, one for ideas i want to do and the other for ptojects im currently working on and hopefully even set a timeline for when to get things done. Of course right now my more important project is the blanket im making to make it more comfortable to sit at Masters feet. since day one of moving in here ive wanted to do that but didnt want things to get weird and of course the worst part was when i would be dating someone...it almost felt like i was cheating even though it really wasnt.  And we would spend so much time talking about things even my deepest darkest secrets and instead of turning away from em for it he accepted me as i was. Why i dont know cuz im a hot mess but he did. Just as i accept him for the things hes been through.  He has more integrity in his little finger than most have in their entire body.

so to the most important part. There has been something that ive wanted for a few years but never thought i would get a chance. A baby!!! No im not pregnant but i would be ecstatic if i was and its womthing we both have talked about and decided we want, even if we have to use a surrogate. My last pregnancy went well until my uterus ruptured so if i do get pregnant it means a planned csection  and im fine with that as long as the baby is healthy, and if we use a surogate i want to be there when its born. I know this is at least a year away as i want to get my health in order before we even start trying but im already thinking of crochet patterns and such for it.  My only quilt is that i have 2 kids that i left behind and i dont know how they will feel,k but at the same time im doing this for me not them. I want another chance, a chance to raise a child in the right situation with a mother and a father in the same home. I want to know what its like to have support, to be a stay at home mom and really give it my all.  Not to mention that in any areas that i may fail as being a parent i know Master would excel; hes soo wonderful with children and i know he would love him ot her with all of his heart.

Okay ive made quite the post, im just happy, very happy and no matter what happens, kid or not i know im chained me Master for life and nothing could please me more

Home

Its weird to say im Home, i dont just mean a place to rest my head at the end of the day but a home with a family that i never thought id have and a wonderful Master in which for the first time in my life i can call him Master and not feel weird or odd about it. I have 2 wonderful chain sisters and a possible third one as well. I just dont think i could be any happier.

When i moved here i wasnt in the greatest of a situation and Matt seen that and offered me a place to stay til i got on my feet, well im kind of on my feet now but not leaving, instead im calling this Home, my forever home in which i have a family to care for and love and in exchange they help take care of me and love me as well.

Ive had family before, my blood family and that went all haywire and turned into a very dangerous situation i had to get out of and i did. I aldo made a rash decision and ended up in a relationship that lasted for a while but wasnt the healthiest things in the world. Now i dont have that problem.

I always said i could never do poly but i find myself in a poly family and i wouldnt trade it for anything. We all get our fair share of time with Master, he makes a point to make sure we all know we are loved and in return we all do as much as we can to make sure he knows he is loved and taken care of in the best way we can.

Im a shy person overall but im working on that and have even been able to express any issues or anxieties i have and we work through them together. Even last night when i was spending some time with Master i was able to say things i had never said before. and all of this leads me to believe that i have in fact found the right one as never before could i vocally express myself. Also even saying the word Master has always been a HUGE challenge for me but its not with Him, its easy, its comfortable and i simply just feel like my heart, mind, soul and body not only belong to him but also are where they belong.

He brought up the fact of if i would like being an object, and before i would have always said no but this time it just feels right and i can, i dont mind being an object to Him, in fact it feels good.

Its just wonderful to be home.