Guidepost 1, Determination

Guidepost #1

Determination

Determination can often turn a failure into a success. There are many ways to accomplish the same goal. If one way doesn’t work, try another until you find one that does.

Determination can be hard to have at times. Im now in a situation I didn’t think I would ever be in. I didn’t think I would ever be owned again but I am. I don’t know if determination plays any part in it but I know that time, patience and okay maybe determination played a role in it…After all since I met Matt I wanted to be his but didn’t know how to ever express it. We even had a conversation once that if we were together like that we would kill each other. Now I wonder if we were both thinking otherwise but didn’t want to say it

Ahh, soo back to the subject at hand, determination…I guess for me at this point im determined to be the best I can be as a slave. Ive made many mistakes over the years and have learned from them but now with all of that learned I think it makes me a better slave for messing up at times. Im trying to learn that I can confront people about things but at this point for me I must know them well first and how to handle it. You cant confront everyone the same way. I used to be soo afraid of confrontation that I would completely avoid it at all costs…Now its not as bad…Not that I like it but I can handle it at least for the most part anyway.

Dealing with my PTSD is also taking determination, im honestly scared to death to even start this process but I must do it. I have even found a workbook that I can use at home and see how that goes. I have a lot to deal with as far as my mother, father and kids are concerned. I feel as if I have brought on parts of my PTSD myself by abandoning my kids so willingly…but enough on that for now.

I am determined at this point in my life to become the best I can, not only as a slave but also a writer. One of my worries and this has been an issue of mine since I stopped being able to work is that I don’t contribute enough to the household, its been that way since way back then. I think that’s why I expect such perfection out of myself but then can never reach the level of perfection that I want out of myself. Am I a hot mess or what…